i finish kissing my death

“I’m sorry, I haven’t learnt how to be brave yet. I know I promised that I would, I know we talked about it over the phone at 2AM. I clutched the receiver until my knuckles were white and tried to feel my way through the wires to you. It didn’t work and I cried for a week after because your voice was at my ear but not touching my ear and I wondered how I could feel you and not feel you. It made me wobbly inside, fuck, I couldn’t look at the phone for hours after. I couldn’t even say my name. And I know I said I would teach myself, but there’s a battle inside of my head and I’m just tough enough to survive waking up in the morning but not after that, not anything after that. Please don’t ask me what I’m going to have for dinner. Last night I drank two bottles of red wine and passed out on the couch wearing a sock and the sweater you sent over the mail. It doesn’t smell like you any more, it smells of me, I wish the both of us together were in it. I wish I could sit on your lap. I want to kiss your neck. I’m sorry that I text you at night when you’re sleeping, it’s just that I miss you and my entire body looks like the underside of a war and you disengage all the loud inside of my head. I imagine you soft and warm in bed and I don’t believe in wishes much, but any eyelashes lying on my cheeks go straight to the others. You make me feel all kinds of beautiful, it’s crazy that I can’t make myself feel like that. I promise I’ll learn. Not today, maybe not even tomorrow, but soon. I’m trying, I’m trying to exist with you so far away from me. Just yesterday I changed out of my pyjamas, I bought some bread, I talked to a friend about the way the sun looks on the ocean. I miss you always, but I’m going to learn how to miss you without losing myself too.”