your shoes are cleaner than your mind
would you like to change that filter again?
sorry, what did you say?
you better change those ways right now

i'm trying to be happy
while you trying to be an indie fucker

god, i'm not blaming you
im angry at them 'cause they need to justify their love
every time

your t-shirts are bigger than your soul
everything is a mistake if you count them as one

those songs, really set you free? 
those feet, are really okay with running?
cigarettes and beer, your favorite gateaway to heaven
while willing everything just to go to hell,
go to hell

are we going to be real one day?
my sheets are so thick for
somebody who can't sleep
i'm jaded of my feelings
and of keep losing friends

you had hear me cry a hundred times
i hope this doesn't stop you now
most of the things i want got me bleeding everyday

please, 
stop burning the skin that i love

sunday night, monday morning
we can escape to something better, darling
locked up in this house,
too big for my little heart

please, 
stop burning the skin that i love

hay algo que está muy mal conmigo.
lo puedo ver, sentir,
escuchar y tocar.

sé que está ahí; cada vez que llego a casa me espera y me abraza en pena.

hay veces que siento que estuvo desde que nací conmigo.
hay otras donde sé el momento exacto donde todo empezó a salir mal.

pero está, a veces como una cicatriz que te hiciste cuando tenías 9 andando en  bici y nunca se curó bien pero ya no duele, hasta te olvidas de que existe.

o como un ser que te arrastra hasta lo mas profundo de tu cama y no te deja respirar por los pulmones ni con la cabeza.

hay algo que está muy mal conmigo
quisiera terminar mi vida justo ahora.

''We will never be the same again. But here’s a little secret for you—no one is ever the same thing again after anything. You are never the same twice, and much of your unhappiness comes from trying to pretend that you are. Accept that you are different each day, and do so joyfully, recognizing it for the gift it is. Work within the desires and goals of the person you are currently, until you aren’t that person anymore, and everything changes once again.''

—	(Cecil, Welcome to Night Vale, Episode 75)

you taste like bad luck
and 2013's new year's eve
what could be the worst thing you could believe?
mom and dad are depressed too, can you see?

getting tired of dreaming so big but feeling so small
singing songs sbout how much i need you but somehow i never belonged
it seems that i'm sticked to the walls

i can't get away from the problems in my mind
theres not poetry in me

i'm far away from you
what am i supose to do?
the ashes of the fire that burned completely my soul still lie under my skin 
take care of this head for me
take care of this head for me

the hand behind this pen relives a failure every day

i'm lacking of sugar
and intelligent thoughs
i'm lacking of sunshine in my veins
i'm tired of taking you down
today i'd haven't been water on

you keep lighting my phone up
not pretending just confussed
take me to your fucking bed
im sick of thinking this

the chemicals in my veins leave more
to wish for
seeing this little town's lighs makes me feel 
less alive
dont worry,
i know i am the one who cries herself to sleep
all i do is drive 
onto a wall
i hope i arrive

pretty sure i found my god at the 4am
pretty sure i wasn't in none of you

we are not innocent anymore
wasted on the darkest lands
my ears are gonna explode someday

all your words came out on me like a broken machine
you have told these stories a hundred times
i will kill for a moment of clarity

i don't want the shit that you gave me
i'm weak
i will split them in pieces
you don't need them in your head now

i want to be better

on a blank white paper i'll never gonna draw you a smile
oh baby you're so mine 
but i couldn't care less
you are counting the days to be free
while i lie here couting the days to finally sleep

i got this little heart still beating
and i feel so sorry about that
i want to be better
i want to be better
i want to be better

pathetic at conversations,
not coming out for anybody
people say lot of things about me 
i can't say shit
she's got a new brand pill
only to find out that nothing is as shining as it seems

oh tragedy will find me

i want to be better
i want to be better
i want to be better
i want to be better
i want to be better
oh tragedy will

''i.
A NIGHTMARE THAT I REMEMBER.
YOU ARE IN THE GROCERY STORE
AND EVERYONE IS STARING AT ME
BECAUSE I DON’T DESERVE YOU.
AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN.

ii.
I AM THE ONE WHO KISSED
LONELINESS ON HIS TEETH.
I AM THE ONE WHO CLIMBED 
OUT OF HIS OPEN MOUTH.
HOW DARE YOU.

iii.
YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY HEART
I HAVE SWALLOWED.
YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY HAND
THAT FEELS LOVE BACKWARDS.''

Caitlyn Siehl, Four in the Morning 

keep dodging bullets
from her heart, that's a gun
the best is in our blood
god, but i'll never know

i could never love you better
besides i'm not good at making notes 
and like everybody, to mess around in town

i didn't get caught

i just let myself go

my fingers are falling into pieces
for not touching you
aching all the beautiful bones
waves are coming
come on and run

i didn't get caught

i just let myself go

I want to teach you a lesson in the worst kind of way, still I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday.

all i ever wanted 

all i ever needed

is here in my arms

words are very unnecessary

they can only do harm

walk into oblivion with me
i want to tell you everything on a bad yellow note
sundays are the worst kind of medicine

everything is floating dead

on the cold blue river in my mind

are you addicted to crying? i think i am
some nights destiny has nothing for us
they are the meaning behind these songs i listen

i don't mind if i die here
i never felt anything anyway
my dreams had twisted me around
keep holding me down

we spent the night lying, flying, dying
talking about how much we need that sunshine girl
i'm missing you, forever blue
eternally buried with mistakes
the birds on the trees will never understand what we are going through

please don't be so broken,
they can see through you

keep fucking me up
somehow i don't ever wanna come home

singing ''artists don't owe a heart''
wishing i own mine
wishing to always have something in my cup 
it could make me feel better

for all the lust in the body that will never set you free
nothing new
i can't stop picturing myself with the stars when i can't even see the moon
everything falls through

you think sex is your savior well it's more like a gun
love is an armour but it won't save you for the war

there's a silence in this house that brings my bones down
nothing perfect
i just wanted to die in your arms
and your ship has wrecked
wishing i own mine
wishing i own mine
wishing i own mine
wishing i own mine

que genial sería
que todas nuestras palabras
las escribieran otros
las pensaran otros

una frase armada.
que suene romántica y fuerte
cargada de ilusiones
con ideas y expectativas
palabras que valen oro en nuestros oídos

así,
nuestras (todas las) discusiones
por lo menos tendrían un final feliz

i hear the voices all the time in the glow
born with broken arms
saddest kid in town
all my friends are dying and i'll be the first one to go

you said i've saved you
but who's gonna save me?
i miss seeing the things from your perspective
we used to be the best lost spirits in the sea
we wanted is to last forever on our bones

hold me in your arms
it feels the birds have left everything inside me

this spine is lost
these lips are like the empty sky
with no longer yours close to my eyes
does everything has to hurt?
'cause you should see the way my bones shake

i'm just incomplete

we sleep in pairs

each night i lay beneath the Earth

i am tired of feeling powerless

with no edge and no reflected light

there is something in the way of us.

don't cry now, all the wheels will turn

there'll be bluebirds over you and i with black brains, 

they'll come to save our lives; as our flesh becomes electrified.

we sleep in pairs, just waiting...

can you take me away? 

can you stop with the lies?

are you desperate? yes, i think i'm desperate

what's my best bet on your death bed? 

yes, i'm on my last legs, and you're desperate

blaze over me bird of paradise

don't be fearful, don't you close your eyes

oh sister keep the hope alive

we can run before they realize.

¿tan egoísta soy que solo escribo sobre mi? ¿ya no puedo entender sentimientos ajenos?

estuve mucho tiempo atrapada en una celda en la cual había poco aire y yo lo usaba demasiado; después de eso me morí mil veces de intoxicación.
unas mil veces después me di cuenta que había mas gente que tenía que respirar;
pero para eso ya era tarde. ya murieron. ya los maté.

no tenia ganas de cambiar, mejor dicho, no tenía ganas porque no sabía como cambiar.
¿qué era lo que estaba bien y qué lo que estaba mal?
si me convertía en un dragón el cual lanzaba fuego sería invencible, pero cientos morirían quemados.
si me convertía en un pez que se lo llevaba la corriente, iba a ser cazada  de inmediato.

yo te veo a través de mi ventana, esperando algún día poder abrir la puerta, todavía espero...
pero en realidad ni siquiera estás detrás del umbral, nada tan simple como eso.
porque no estás ni siquiera en mi calle,o en mi barrio,o en mi ciudad.

tendría que abrirle a la que se está intoxicando con aire ajeno, expulsado de sus propios pulmones.

always knew you'd be the one to understand me, i guess that's why it took so long to get things right

we all know
i'm not coming back
certain days and certain nights
have seen the death in my eyes

now im going incomplete
and i don't want you back

fight on it
live on it
built on it
cry on it
lean on it
fight on it
shine on it
dream on it

honey
don't you worry
we all know
i'm not coming back

singing my demons away

oh girl, what you have done with my heart?
i feel like i'm missing the best part
the best part of being alive
how many time do we waste?
the way we wasted it in the summer
to try to prove it all in winter
i'm tired of seeing you anywhere but here
i'm tired of being anywhere but with myself

travelling alone can dangerous most of the time

you make me so weak

and it's such a pleasure

i never gonna make it through
we both know the ghosts
these hearts are speeding
and these paths are closing

they told me you can't live without me 
a loser with no intentions to win
miserable as this town
where the end of the world just doesn't come

we both know the ghosts
these hearts are speeding
and these paths are closing
you make me so weak
and it's such a pleasure

ya no sé como llevar la tristeza encima mío
la espalda se me rompió de todas las cosas que tengo en la cabeza

me pesan las lagrimas, me pesan los huesos, me pesan las mentiras, me pesa la verdad.


¿cómo se supone que voy a vivir el resto de mi vida así?


no tengo nada adentro mío
nada de lo que yo tenga le vale a alguien
soy un animal que mata para llenar su hambre


estoy sola estoy sola estoy sola estoy sola

te amo pero realmente el corazón no sabe guiarme
te amo
estoy perdida
veni a buscarme

tell me i'm not the only one who's dead
my back pack is full of guilt
want some? they say all you wanna do is get high
they say ''this only lasts in your head''
they say ''this only lasts in on your late night bed''

i can't live with feelings that aren't mine
can't stop what i've been cursed with
tell me i'm not the only one who's dead here tonight

this sun isn't our sun
and this heart ain't the way it was before
i just needed a shoulder to cry on

why these bad things keep happen to me?
first he put his hand over me
now i'm lying on the blue sea

your dirty shoes are kicking my face over and
over and over and over and over and over and over
and over and over over over over and over again

i'm falling so i'm taking my time on my ride

“i’d die for you,” that's easy to say
we have a list of people that we would take
a bullet for them, a bullet for you, a bullet for everybody in this room
but I don't seem to see many bullets coming through, see many bullets coming through
metaphorically, i'm the man
but literally i don't know what i'd do
i'd live for you and that’s hard to do
even harder to say when you know it's not true
even harder to write when you know that tonight
there were people back home who tried talking to you
but then you ignored them still
all these questions they're for real like
who would you live for?
who would you die for?
and would you ever kill?

soy solo un cielo gris que le trae oscuridad a todos

y la habitación se queda quieta

de a poco los cerámicos dejan de verse junto a las patas de la silla y la cama

junto con los muebles se mojan las sabanas

todo empieza a meterse entre los cajones y la ropa

estoy quieta apoyada en la almohada

el agua sube por mis extremidades y mi nuca

respiro por 2 segundos mas y mi nariz queda atrapada

siento que vuelo, pero no, solo floto.

el agua sobre pasa los muebles, llegando hasta el techo

yo sigo ahí, inmóvil

momentos después no están mis piernas ni mis dedos

mis brazos no responden

mis ojos no ven, mi boca no se cierra

los pulmones dejan de funcionar, el corazón decae


estoy azul, como mis alrededores

estoy ahogada.

i'm not girl for worshipping
why i miss being lonely?
because it seems that the darkness knows me better
better than you and me

when we were kids we knew it was coming 
now that we're older we think that is all we deserve owning
i wish i could say some things but i guess this is my head killing me

scared of every little thing i have
i deserve the truth which it's better off death

learn how your sadness can make you forget your name and take you to somebody else's bed
i'm sick of hurting you
the faces i have to face i go to sleep tell i am forever lost forever lost forever lost forever lost
i'm sick of myself

gotta fight the undesirable feeling
tired that i need methods to take my sadness to a better place
shouting, singing,
or taking my head between your knees

am i the cause of all my pain? surely i am
sometimes i even hear the same notes i've heard on my nightmares
protect me from all i've done
restrain me in order to see the morning sun
destroy me in order be the number one 

they might be obesessed with somebody else 
and i, to have a real friend

you don't know me
you dont' know me at all
i wish you could
oh how i wish you could

have you ever been this sad?
sad enough to make your own skin burn?
i wish i shouldn't have said
i wish i shouldn't had ever born

oh but i just got the coldest feeling
while i watch you in the lonelinest ceiling

deep down in this hallow heart
everything burns cold
like water running down and falling apart

have you ever been this sad?
sad enough to make your own skin burn?
i wish i shouldn't have said
i wish i shouldn't had ever born

oh but i just got the coldest feeling
while i watch you in the lonelinest ceiling 

deep down in this empty house
nothing lies but my madness inside
this isn't art
this is insane
this was the only road ever that ever existed

have you ever been this sad?
sad enough to make your own skin burn?
oh but i got the coldest feeling

''you're what you love not who loves you''

quiero dejar de tener miedo 
quiero dejar de llorarme todo hasta quedarme seca.
quiero dejar de guardame cosas solamente porque no quiero ver los resultados.
quiero dejar todo.
me he visto crecer y cambiar durante estos años, desde la época mas oscura hasta los días mas felices donde el sol nunca se ocultaba de mi cara
ahora estoy atrapada entre mis pensamientos y deseos y la realidad, más que nunca.
una cosa es soñar cosas imposibles,
otra muy diferente es tener los sueños al alcance de la mano y aún así tener miedo de agarrarlos y vivirlos.
podes cambiar drásticamente, completamente ... pero al final del día siempre vas a ser la misma escoria que salió victoriosa de los días oscuros
soy esto y ya no puedo cambiar más.
no puedo dejar nada.

soy una persona horrible. 
y las personas horribles no merecen nada
y los corazones de las personas horribles están podridos y no tienen nada bueno
no tengo nada bueno
tan solo un cuerpo
que lo llevo al hombro y me pesa como 100 infiernos
no merezco nada 
nada
nada
 nada
nada
nada
            nada
porque soy nada

siento que todas las batallas que tendría que estar peleando ya las perdí

am i really sinking this low?

you had the craziest dreams

while my mind is a sinful work of art

i'd tear my fucked up skin apart 

just to prove that there's nothing left inside

i hate everything i write
''that's okay''- they say -
''words hate you too''

the holes in my heart are as estranged as my love

there are cracks in my lips
that could send this room away
tell you mother that you love me
tell your father that you needed him

don't wanna get love from lies 
but all my friends left me everytime i've told the truth

the best thing you have had has gone away

lover, love is never over
i cared too much about at all
i hurted myself so i can make it about it all
my favourite songs still make me cry
and some lines still can make me smile

clingy little thing
im never gonna be like you want me to be
with hurted fingers and twisted back
i wanna love myself as half as i love you
i breath you even though im breathing nothing

the spaces between reality and my head are bigger and bigger

i'm so tired of making everybody sad
it's so empty inside
so stupid and blind
i would be lying if i say that i don't wanna die
and end up these tears on my eyes

laughing with a mouth of blood

“

1. Lay on the floor of your shower until you can breathe again. Water will always love to love your skin.

2. Start writing with the intention of filling up one page. Write until your pen stops working.

3. Reread a book that once made you cry. Learn something new on every page. Notice how different chapters make you sad. Notice how the book didn’t change and grow; you did.

4. Sleep with your windows open. You can hear both the rain and boys drunkenly singing Frank Sinatra on their deck. Both are equally good.

5. Don’t forget that honey will always taste sweet, but the best way to eat it is off your fingers, laughing.

6. Remember that, sometimes, getting out of bed is enough.

”

—	For unhappy girls who like sitting in the sun (h.f.j.)

twin skeletons

Te amo pero siento que tenemos que cortar - dijo la voz en un solo respiro, como escapando de la guardia que mantenían los labios de su boca.
Ella había pagado el café y las medialunas - que estaban sin tocar - hasta ella misma había enviado la invitación al bar.
Pero esto estaba mas afuera del menú que nunca.
Octavia se había quedado helada, una linea de calor le subió por la espalda hasta el cuello que seguía helado al igual que sus brazos, previamente gracias a la calefacción del lugar, ahora causada por la chica sentada frente a ella.
-¿Es por algo que hice? - la voz temblorosa de Octavia trató de caldear el aire entre ellas.
- No... bah no sé, sí... bueno la verdad si.
- Te pido mi más sincero perdón.
- Ya está. Es tarde. Tomé esta decisión hace semanas.
- ¿Semanas? Si dormiste en mi casa ayer.
- La pasé bien, vos sabes pero... 

Antonella esbozó una respuesta fallida y trató de remediarla con un gesto hacía la taza de café.
Octavia se acercó lo mas cerca que la mesa contra su cintura le permitía.
- Respeto tu decisión pero estoy atónita. Me estás rompiendo el corazón.
- Entiendo que estés así pero esto ya no da para mas, yo lo veo así.
- Pero me amas.
- Es el amor lo que hace difícil esto.
Octavia se alejó de inmediato. Odiaba no tener la razón pero esta vez era verdad. Las cosas no andaban bien hace tiempo y veía que Antonella se distanciaba un poquito mas cada vez...
- ¿Puedo irme? - Antonella interrumpió los pensamientos de Octavia.
- Si queres, si.
La chica de pelo castaño se paró, caminó unos pasos y detuvo en frente a ella.
- Hay cosas mías en tu casa, ¿le aviso a Laura que pase el sábado a buscarlas?
Mirando la mesa, Octavia soltó un sonido que Anto entendía como una afirmación.
Antonella se puso su saco y parecía tomar rumbo a la puerta cuando termino la cita con:
- Vos sabes que todavía te amo. Vas a estar bien, yo lo sé, siempre fuiste la fuerte en esto.
Se escuchó el ruido de la puerta del bar.
Octavia dejó caer sin hacer un ruido su cabeza sobre la mesa y echó a llorar. Siempre era la fuerte.

5 meses después Octavia pasaba por ese mismo bar, esta vez con unos amigos para tomar un taxi. Éste no llamó la atención hasta que la chica de cabello corto y pelirrojo giró para cerrar la puerta. Fue un segundo pero le dolió los 40 segundos siguientes.

La fiesta era corriente, mucha gente, mucho alcohol y probablemente alguien aspirando en el baño. Nada nuevo para alguien como ella.
4am
Sus amigos se distanciaron y Octavia estaba apoyada en el balcón cuando la vio.
Era Antonella.
"¿Qué hacía ahí?" por un segundo saltar por el balcón parecía realmente razonable.
Josefina, una amiga, se acercó a la pelirroja:
- ¿La viste? parece que bajó 20 kilos - dijo acompañada de una risa con sabor a alcohol - ¿La vas a saludar?
- Tendría que estar en pedo para hacerlo.
- Perdoname, pero lo estás.
Octavia le devolvió una sonrisa de insatisfacción.
Pasaron 45 minutos y seguían sin saludarse. Octavia iba por el 6to shot seguido y las paredes le mentían. Antonella por su lado estaba rodeada de gente que no conocía, emocionante tal vez, pero no para ella.

Así como un asteroide choca un planeta en creación, ambas se cruzaron en el balcón.
5:02am
- Tanto tiempo - Octavia trataba sonar razonable pero las palabras no estaban de su lado.
- ¿Como estás?- Antonella la abrazó con fuerza
5:12am
- ¿Y que onda, salis con alguien?
- Estoy viendo un chabon. ¡Es un muerto!
5:28am
- No me está yendo tan bien como pensé, las cosas se ponen difíciles con los años.
- Siento lo mismo, los corazones son mas ágiles a los 16.
5:39am
- Mi mamá está muy enferma, seguro que no llega a fin de año.
- Me acuerdo siempre de ella, decile que le mando fuerzas.
5:45am (y la música parecía el triple de fuerte)
- Estoy muy deprimida.
- No digas eso, estás triste nomás.
5:55am
- Te extraño mucho
- No me digas eso.
5:56am
-Nunca tendría que haberte dejado ir.
5:57am
- Estaba mal y no tenía otra salida.
5:58am
- Siempre te voy a estar esperando .
5:59am
- Me dijiste que me amabas, ¿todavía lo haces?
6:00am
- Te amo
- Te amo todavía más.
 

y saltaron.